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benimonkey
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Name: Me!
Country: United States
State: Texas
Birthday: 12/27/1980
Gender: Female
Interests: Traveling, reading, playing with my dog, traveling, :P going online, eating
Expertise: Eating
Occupation: Student
Industry: Computers (Software)
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
1/8/2003
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| How do you know you really know someone? Like really know most everything about things they'd be likely to do? What if you see a picture of someone you think you know fairly well in the middle of something "risque" you didn't realize they were inclined towards doing because they never showed that side in front of you? Does that put you in the wrong because maybe that person doesn't feel comfortable doing those things in front of you? Does that make you actually someone that others don't feel comfortable totally being themselves around? Do they feel stifled and suppressed because of your formality/rigidity/apparent conservatism (is that even a friggin' word)? Does that mean you need to change as a person? Does it mean your relationship with that person is on the rocks? Sigh...I hate that after all this time, I still go through these questions over and over in my head. One would think enough was enough, especially after the various experiences I've had in life at this point. I can't help but think I'm an idiot..a tool...someone who really needs to shape up and learn how to actually LIVE life...not just going through the motions or actions but the actual FEELINGS of living life...whatever the heck that means, right.
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| Because I listen to songs by Bob Marley and try to make sure at least I'm "exposed" to the world of quality music, does this mean I should know the history of each song - am I a hypocrite if I don't know the history? I feel like a wannabe of the quality things in life...like I'm actually this superficial vapid person who just pretends she's interested in quality just so others can be satisfied...what is the truth? Is there a way I can find out the truth? What does what I say mean about me?
I'm kind of tired of having to question who I am...it's a very self-centered, self-absorbed exercise (obviously), but I keep thinking if I don't get myself figured out...how I can contribute effectively in any way to anyone around me? How am I supposed to do well in relationships in general (with anyone) or contribute to the greater good if I have to focus on myself so much? What if I abandoned that focus entirely and just went with focusing on things around me, instead? What would happen? Would that be okay? Why do I have to think about these things? Why can't I just do what I do...and then maybe I'll gain knowledge and actually become smart....opposite of the person I am now? I just want knowledge...I just want to know things...and have a more holistic perspective on the world...how am I accepted by society right now because I'm really not well-informed...I'm kind of tired of my own world?
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| As a first generation American, I feel like a freak sometimes. I know tons of other people are in my position, but I'm not necessarily applying this to them...just me...because I assess my level of knowledge and comfort? with my family's native culture, and I'm thinking that I'm nowhere near where I should be in order to overcome the hurdles and misunderstandings. I feel like when it comes down to it, I'm an outcast here in America and an outcast from a true Indian's point of view...a misfit...a freak. When I was little, I used to think it was "cool" because I was getting the best of both worlds. Now, I just feel like a pathetic wannabe trying to become one with a background I feel at this point I've only touched on. I don't know how I would end up overcoming this.
I look to the future, and it still seems bleak...more so than before, even. I don't see marriage, kids, a house...I can't picture myself being a real adult. If I can't picture this, how can I plan for it? The things I do want to do, the person I want to become...I feel suddenly that I can no longer become....I feel that I have to suppress this...because the things I want to do are too "impractical". Why can I not just be trusted so that no matter what happens, others will know I and it...will be okay? Why is it still...this hard?
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| Things that weigh on my mind on a regular basis: what the "next step" will be (grad school, etc.), getting organized, time management, eating right (= no chocolate), learning about all this stuff I want to learn about, trying to make myself feel like my life has some meaning now that I'm not in school. Ironic, huh. | | |
| All I've been doing is working. My body is sagging now - gravity's taking an premature turn on me. I haven't had time to read anything new, look into grad schools, learn more about my language, just talk to my family members...what is all this. Man. Okay, enough venting for one night.
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